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I really don't know why I'm feeling what I'm feeling right now. Its like, the sudden emptiness; a huge hole that I've been sucked into temporarily.

It's been a real long time since I felt this way, not to mention, I don't really like this feeling.

I kinda wish that there's something I can hold onto right now, maybe someone? Or something? Anything. There used to be people I could call straightaway - hence erasing this feeling totally, now, I'm not sure. Everyone seems to be caught up in their own lives - which IS of course, the correct way. Things change, & people move on. But then sometimes, I just want to stand still. Will there be anyone left in my radius?

"Sometimes I try so hard, but all I get is rejection from you. I give up, okay?"

I say this to myself everytime things do not work out, but I have never given up. And thing is, most of the time, I don't know what I've done wrong.

Now: Fine, suit yourself. I'm not going to be the only one that is giving. You have to do your part for things to work. But know that I'll still be here, as I always foolishly am.

I remember, it was not long ago that I still had the burning passion to blog. Though I sieved my words thoroughly before publishing a post, at least I knew I had put down my words somewhere. But now, I don't get the feeling to blog anymore. Because life is just life. When I wake up in the morning, I have nothing to look forward to - nothing.

In Amkss, I would spring out of bed whenever I had to wake up earlier for RC related stuffs, no matter how tired I was. In Ijc, I would get out of bed enthusiastically for the thought of friends kept me going, despite the dreadful lessons and ahem, teachers.

Now in SP, though I have more freedom, and am in the course I tried so hard to get in for, life feels empty. For the people whom I have met, can never be compared to those of previous months and years. Say perhaps its because I am afterall in, a drama course, & drama ppl tend to be different from others, in the sense that everything to them, is but drama. Life's drama. We are the actors. That is why, I don't get to see the real 'them'. They are actors, they act. I don't know when to trust, nor who to trust. How I miss 0924A, where everyone is real. Everyone is sensitive; I feel comfortable with them. They give me everything that I can offer them in return. But its now gone; then I ask myself, if I had made the right decision to leave?

Words can't express how much I miss them, and neither can miles, the distance we have already drifted. I am sad, but things are what they are now b'cus of the decisions I made. Its no one's fault; just a cruel joke heaven plays occassionally for humour. I don't wish to sound pathetic, but every day of my poly life I tell myself, "Tmr'll be a better day". Who am I trying to kid?

Claire's dealt me a big blow. I feel dumb because I do not know how to rebutt her sacarsm. I don't deny that she makes me feel small, I'm just mad as I'm not able to protect myself in a sacarstic return. What terrible shame, that I left her step all over me, flattening me into nothing more than a pancake; whilst I wasted precious seconds trying to process her sacarsm. Shame.

"I wish... the world was full of pink bunny rabbits."

Had floorball on Monday, it was physical trng & now my whole body's aching. It was fun though, reminded me of the floorball trng in NP(:

Yesterday was spent with SP rchn. Interaction then BBQ. Met new ppl, and we talked a lil' while BBQ-ing for the guys! Then Manwei taught us how to make honey hotdogs. While we were talking, both Manwei and Jessie randomly said I look like I'm from Basketball. Cool huh. =D I went home after the BBQ but the rest stayed the night. Then today we climbed Bukit Timah, yes with my muscle ache, but it was good bonding! Since 4 of the Year 1s including me used to be from RC, with one now a VI, we could say cheers and talk about experiences in sec sch while climbing those torturous steps. At least we have a common topic is what I'm saying:D

Then at the summit, we saw a couple having lunch(homemade!). They were so sweet, I couldn't help but comment to M and J. Manwei asked if i'm jealous, of course I am! HAHA, well too bad luh, I'll just have to wait. =( We returned to SP after a 'bonding' session up at the summit.

Digressing; have I mentioned that I have a 1000 word AD essay and a lifespan Psych presentation to complete? Dang, and time flies when its the holidays! I can't wait for the movie tmr!

Okay, this is a random & incoherent post. Till I blog again, tata:D

I felt proud, ecstatic even to watch you girls take over. Ask me why, when it should by right no longer matter because I'm just a senior. But I couldn't; couldn't just let this moment sink in, nor the reality that I became a senior a year ago. My thoughts were just hauled away to the times when we had so much laughter, & tears- in the past. Was it just me, who foolishly still remembers these memories?

Memories of you girls holding coke bottles running after us, till you got caught; & the last trng before our POP when Qh & I ran away, you girls gave chase when we thought you wouldn't; & the time we went to sumo house then to mine, those kept playing in my mind, exactly what I told you; cause you asked, you bothered & cared. Then the KFC visits? Were we the only ones who remembered? How we made so much noise, oblivious to the other customers, playing amongst ourselves?

& most recently when you 2 came over for 'PT', again, was I the only who remembers? It was the growing process, the metamorphosis like caterpillar to butterfly; those good & bad times that we got over together that I cherish so much, unable to let go. I hate myself for not letting go. I want to forget, to move on like how everyone else does. But it just wasn't in me to forget, & it isn't in me now nor in the future to forget. Whilst standing where I was yesterday, my eyes inadvertently marked out the routes we took to run away from you girls, as well as the places in this beloved school that means so much. Tell me I'm mad, tell me I'm crazy; but I was just reminiscing, you can't blame me for that. It felt so good after my episode, I felt relieved; relieved that I have let everything out, though the memories still stays crystal clear in my messed-up brain, I promise to try not to let them hurt anymore.